I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
You Might Also Like
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets