I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
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The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho