I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
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Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Woke up against my better judgment again
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”