I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
🎵 I can’t wait to
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.