Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.