Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.