Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

I only say stupid things when I talk.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”