” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.