@aveuaskew

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

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@Donna_McCoy

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

@AechErvin

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

@Swain_Train47

Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.

@WarrenHolstein

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

@fro_vo

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

@Sassafrantz

Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.

@PaperWash

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me