I’m usually pretty inspired after watching a movie to try something I’ve just seen.
[hunts for a movie about cleaning bathrooms]
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
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I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Chris Brown said he’s done making music.
That’s funny. I didn’t even know he started.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.
Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?
Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.