” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”


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I’m usually pretty inspired after watching a movie to try something I’ve just seen.

[hunts for a movie about cleaning bathrooms]


I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.


Chris Brown said he’s done making music.

That’s funny. I didn’t even know he started.


Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.


I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way


Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go


You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.


Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…


I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.