” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”


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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.


Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*


Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.


Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.


ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile



ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this


Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*


Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.


[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me