I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
