I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“FRAAANCE!”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
