Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

any last words?

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Terribly Tuesday.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?