I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
You Might Also Like
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
weddings should have a worst man
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.