I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.