Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

good let them take over I have had enough

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

is he marrying that labradoodle

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.