I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
When can I start eating bats again.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.