“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Welcome
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
this FaceApp is creepy af
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Ok cat haters, explain this…
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..