“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
There’s never enough good news
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
