“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Bill is short for Billiam
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.