“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.