I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats