I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
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It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.