Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.