I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
there has never been a better use of this meme
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.