I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
You Might Also Like
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I have so many questions.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
Going to pronounce fecal like decal