I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
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Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
OH. COME. ON.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should