I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!馃き馃榿
You Might Also Like
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I鈥檓 in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can鈥檛!
5: Because you鈥檙e in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan鈥檚 mustache?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald鈥檚 and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I鈥檇 like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously