I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…