Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

I am a gravy boat captain

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

They should make a moral fiber supplement

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?