I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.