Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1832676417387020288/pu/vid/avc1/640x464/IoXb8DIXA-LybY4P.mp4?tag=12

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.