I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
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The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.