I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
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[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*