I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
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I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
That eye roll….
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.