Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!