Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.