I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
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police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem