I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
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PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets