I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Finished stitching this today 😇
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet