@Manglewood

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

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@TheAlexNevil

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

@SvnSxty

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

@mirxbel

The worst part about online shopping is having to get up n get your card out your purse

@danadonly

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

@SamReidSays

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

@ThaJawn

Me:
*does interpretative dance

Translator:
*does translation dance

Chief:
*does interpretative dance

Translator:
*does translation dance

@NoogsCorner

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

@MissNaughty1801

CW:where are you going?
Me:trying to prevent an awkward conversation between two people
CW:who?
Me:me and you

@hbombmom

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.