I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
beware of dog
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
they split up moments later
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog