Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

“That’s what” – She

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Get in loser we’re going crying