Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Bed should get ready for ME

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.