I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
You Might Also Like
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks