I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.

He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity & then when I react, informing me he is helpfully “performing a health check”.

He taught the children the technique.

I may divorce him.

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The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.


Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”

I love New Yorkers.


If you drink enough coffee with your morning joint, you can wake and shake and bake.


Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment


Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-


If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.


[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together


We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.