The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.
He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity & then when I react, informing me he is helpfully “performing a health check”.
He taught the children the technique.
I may divorce him.
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Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”
I love New Yorkers.
If you drink enough coffee with your morning joint, you can wake and shake and bake.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-
Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
*Puts the band back together
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.