Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Asking the real questions!

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.