I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
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My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?