Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol