I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want