I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal