I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
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My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.