I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
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Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
What my back needs
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”