I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
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Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
