Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Roombas should bark

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure