Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

This is enough internet for the day.

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

My beach vacation Google searches

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school