I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers