Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.