I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.