I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
You Might Also Like
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
At least he brought enough for everyone
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
The government even made aliens boring
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*