I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I hate when someone gets on the treadmill right next to me at the gym because I’m worried they may ask me to share my Doritos.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Greeting humans vs their dogs
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
BaD BoY!!
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Velcrow
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
