I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email