Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

I hate everything

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great