I made up a story for my daughter at bedtime about a friendly elephant. And how he was nice to everyone, even the hyenas who were mean to him. But then I got scared I was teaching her to not stand up for herself, so I ended the story with him killing all the hyenas.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I am absolutely never leaving this website
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
