I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
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some things should go without saying
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
My blood type is b hungry.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break