I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
You Might Also Like
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
What?!?
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.