Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

stand with me against insufficient seating

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.