i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
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I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
“i am a sweet baby”
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive