@jimmy_sharpe

I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.

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@ABurgerADay

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

@cervixsmash

Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank

@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

@Parkerlawyer

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

@Playing_Dad

Her: What do you do?
Me: I drill for oil.
G: That sounds interesting.
M: No, it’s really…
H: Don’t do it, I’ll leave
M:…just boring

@ericsshadow

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

@KarenGiannina6

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

@slimmy_shady

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

@Kyle_Lippert

There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people