If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
They also CAN sing✌️
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight