@jimmy_sharpe

I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.

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@neledmax

My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.

@AndyAsAdjective

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

@TheDizzyBeauty

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

@carlyken

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

@tomsegura

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

@bazlyons

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

@ManicMinxy

Having your 7 year old son clean the toilet is pretty entertaining.
He used Pledge.
In other news I just slid off the toilet, into the tub.

@philco816

*hands stranger a condom

S: I don’t need this

Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak

@joshcomers

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)