I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.