I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.