I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
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Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Pringles
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong