i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
peeping toms
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Double negatives are never not confusing.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment