i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
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I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.