I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing